Before we even start to look at how to love yourself and others, we need to look at another question.

What's the definition of love? Especially, is love an emotion? Some people insist that, no, it isn't.

So, the start: define love of self. Is it an emotion? Yes.

Why such a quick answer?

I remember reading The Road Less Traveled. Over and over, I shook my head – because over and over, the work of love was emphasized, rather than the emotion.

Love. You know if you feel it. And you know if you don’t. If you feel other emotions – maybe anger, joy, happiness, unhappiness, boredom, pleasure, delight – but don’t feel love, you know there is a feeling missing.

You enjoy someone’s company. You like being helpful. You’re interested in this and that.

You know you’re not feeling love.

Love isn’t, as they say, all a bed of roses. When you feel love and there is injury, illness, death, rejection, very likely you feel grief, even intense grief. But most likely you also feel, it was worth it, the love was worth it, the emotion of love.

All the same, there is something to the point made in The Road Less Traveled. Love isn’t just an emotion. There are all those parents who claim to love their children, but are unwilling to do the work required. They stay addicted to drugs and alcohol. They don’t give their children time. They beat and verbally abuse. But, they may be quick to say, they love.

The emotion of love isn’t enough.

Still, one basic ingredient of love is feeling – a warm heart-open feeling.

So what is the definition of love of self and others? Loving feelings, combined with loving actions. That’s the meaning of love.

But how to love yourself if love isn’t flowing? How to prime the pump of love?

For some, it may be enough to get into a place that is felt as safe. That’s why some people learn to love through the love of a pet. The dog or cat gives unconditional love, and slowly our own hearts thaw out.

For some, a safe place isn’t enough.

We also need time. Love doesn’t flourish in multi-tasking and overload. Maybe we need to meditate – or take the time for a walk or a long bath. And not just once.

We may need even more than that.

Buried love. It’s not easy to unearth feelings.

There are techniques that aim to unearth buried emotions, and also to get rid of whatever other feelings are blocking these emotions.

The one I’ve found most effective is meridian tapping, a kind of easy acupressure to release emotions. It's also called EFT, emotional freedom technique. You can find hundreds of references online.

How to love yourself? If the emotions are stuck, do the work of loving. Treat yourself in a loving way. Make loving yourself a priority. Go toward loving feelings. Be ready to find our own route, to explore. It could be through reading, through spending time alone, through developing close friendships, through going as far as you can in safety.

Watch your heart open slowly.

You also need to watch out. Buried love is deep down for a reason. Injury. Lack of recognition. Rejection. Contempt.

How to love yourself? With gentleness, tenderness, compassion. And yet we may need to push ourselves. Love of self may get confused, inside ourselves, with attempted self-protection, something very close to what we started out with. Because if we don’t feel love, it's usually due to attempted self-protection.

How to love yourself and others? How to get your heart opening wide?

One, develop a definition of love that is what you truly want.

Two, make a commitment to reaching it.

Three, head in the most likely directions.

Four, get help whenever you need it.