It is a myth that choosing an open relationship, or swinging, means that you are allowed to cheat. Couples living "The Lifestyle" define what their commitment means to them and both parties are expected to respect that agreement. It isn’t that different from what many couples do in monogamous relationships. One couple might think it is perfectly fine for each person to view porn or go to strip clubs while these things would constitute cheating to another couple. A good rule of thumb is if you wouldn’t feel comfortable telling your partner about what you have done then it is cheating.

Anne and Mike are a couple in their 50’s I met at a convention in Orlando who had been living the lifestyle for over a decade. They considered themselves to be fluid monogamous, which meant that they were able to fool around with other people freely as long as there were no fluids exchanged. They agreed to this in part because of concerns about sexually transmitted diseases but also because they enjoyed the idea of that part of the sexual act being special to them. Mike came home one night and confessed that he had been having unprotected intercourse with a new partner breaking their agreement and in effect cheating on her. They were able to overcome this betrayal over time but they had to work hard to rebuild trust. It was hard for some people to understand why Anne was so upset. If she was okay with her partner having sex with other people then what was the difference? But it isn’t that simple. At the heart of any open relationship is trust that the other person will act responsible and respect your primary bond. Without that trust what is the purpose of having a swinging relationship instead of just a series of casual sexual encounters?

If you are new to swinging or have been doing it for a long time it is important to have periodic conversations about what is acceptable within the bounds of the relationship. Talk about who is, and isn’t, an acceptable partner, for instance if it’s okay for someone to get involved with an ex or with someone who is a close friend of yours. You may be okay with the idea of your partner having sex with another person, unless that other person is you cousin or best friend. Now is the time to draw those boundaries. If there are any acts that are off limits with new people then that is also important to spell out ahead of time. Another common boundary in swinging relationships is that there must be prior permission granted before the other person can begin a sexual relationship with someone new. I’ve even seen some couples that only allow a swap or swing when they are able to stay in the same room as it goes on. There is no right or wrong way to do this. It is a lifestyle choice. But if you don’t have you’re the rules spelled out before hand then the result is usually feeling of hurt and betrayal.

What happens if you feel yourself tempted to cheat in your open relationship? When you first have those pangs of temptation then go to your partner and talk about it. It’s possible that they will agree to a change in rule in this circumstance that solves your problem. But even if they don’t often times just talking out the situation can help you understand what it was about the temptation that attracted you in the first place. The thrill of the forbidden is sometimes what you are really craving and talking about it makes it less exciting. But cheating is never the right thing to do. Even if the other person never finds out about it you will carry around the guilt of what happened. If you are unable to be satisfied within the confines of the relationship you and your partner agree to then it is better to leave it and let them find someone more suited to them then to cheat.